Is personality fixed? Si Fu/Masters predictions+deep rooted maternal problem

[camomile]

Hi everyone,

I dont know if this is the right place to ask my question and I apologise beforehand if the content is not correct / and long but I have no idea where to ask for advise.

I am overseas born Chinese. So I am not really Chinese and not really European either, sort of like a banana if you are familiar with this term.
All my life I have been struggling with my identiy and the way my strict parents been raising us (quiet common problem with overseas chinese children) Not only strictness but very much raised in a buddhist family. You know the sort of buddhist culture that is all about how to please other people and be a good person and anything selfish is a sin. All my life I have not been given love and affection, only criticism, punishment, verbal abuse etc you might call in western society.
Now I am 34 and my mother still manage to make me cry due to her lack of affection and display of love. I understand later in life that its normal for Chinese parents to criticise you and disapprove you of love because they want you to constantly become a better person (stupid deeply rooted confucian mentality)I went through serious deperssion and mental illness due to my childhood but have done alot of self development/medication to have turned myself to a complete new person. Now I am medication free, and drug free, happier and healthier.

However my mother still criticises me and keeps telling me that I have a bad temper and that I am stubborn and would never listen to her. She does not want me to explain / justify myself whenever I disagree with her and she wants me to just keep quiet and agree.
She had a consultation with a monk/master in Malaysia the other day who was able to read our fortunes/personality and what steps to follow in order to improve our lives. The monk told my mom that even though her daugther is clever, she has a bad temper and would not listen to my mother... That is her personality and that she was stubborn(she is right but I have changed alot). And the monk kept telling my mother bad attributes about my brother and my father. So my mother told me all this how much burden my mother has to carry all her life because of my dad, me and my brother and how shit we are and how much she suffers. I got obviously upset and tried to justfiy myself which unfortunately proves her point. The monk never criticise my mother however. I am not saying that to be superstitious, but she has consultation with many monks (they were quite accurate with their readings) and they say exactly the same things. Always critics on us but never on my mother. And my mother is not lieing. I cried because I am never good enough for the monk or for my mother even though I tried my best to be a good daugther and a good person in general.

My questions is: Why do buddhist monk only point out negative attributes about us, and are they right? Even though I have already changed alot? Is that a confucian mentality or a buddhist thing? The monk said I should listen to my mother but mother is not always right. And I thought buddhist do not believe in egos.
And why do monks/masters never point out fault in my mother? I asked her whether they said anything about her, she said no.

Is personality fixed and cannot be changed despite how much you have worked on yourself? How does this relate to bazi? Can you see in your bazi chart that the person is able to change her bad attributes or is it fixed?

How can I not let my deep rooted issues with my mother affect my emotions? I am already practicing meditation, read alot of spiritual self development books, trying to believe there is no such thing as ego and having to let it all go. But I always get upset when I speak to my mother. But when a buddhist monk says something like this, I get upset because they dont point out how much I have changed for the better and it is not always true. I think im truly upset because my mother suffers alot because of us and no matter how much I have tried to better myself, she is still not happy with me. It upsets me because she should not have given birth to us and she should have married better and given birth to better children with better DNA...This is unfortunately how i felt since I was a toddler. Im 34 still seeking my mothers approval and love and I know I will never get it. I cannot get rid of this feeling of being not good enough/not loved and valued and my entire family is bringing me down. They are all unhappy which makes me sad. I know they love me but knowing is not feeling.

How do I deal with this deep rooted issue? Should I try my best to improve my "bad temper" (which i only have around my family) but how should I just agree with her without getting emotionally so upset? Im a grown woman and so far been doing alright with my life. I have already tried to keep distant from her, but she is old and I cannot ignore her or keep even further distance.

Any advise? Sorry I am just upset and I have no idea which forum to turn to and there is no one I can speak to who can relate. I hope someone can share their opinions with me.

Thank you for listening/reading

[rainmaster]

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[camomile]

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[Gmuli]

I think its just the way your chart works(i checked the other topics).
Xu(what is inside you) and Chou(representing your mother as earthly branch in that pillar) are in punishment, she has Officer on top as well, so her Images fit. The problem is that Yin and Chou make "hidden combination", and Yin shows people in the outside world.

Basically, she combines with people in the outside world and that weakens you. Although that same people may align with you if the situation was different.

Here this is stronger, because her branch is open, most of the time(although partially closed in this 10 years),so from all this there is a lot of "Officer"(authority/control) that comes out of her when you interact at times. While a lot of "expression" from you, as Xu is open as well and that is what is inside you + your output .

Overall, seems exactly what you described, but there aren't connotations of "good" or "bad". Its just a dynamic you and everyone else is suppose to experience and learn from. You can change it, but I'm not sure it isn't early for that.

Basically, people around(far away) will have tendency to align with her, she will "produce" authority and control and will have problems with you and your way of communication, all revolving around "value", so far its how the chart works
Not your fault, nor her fault either, its just what is played out in this lifetime. Observe it, see how it works, find a way to lessen it or negate it if possible, if communication is the problem there are many ways to communicate in different way. Can check authors and practitioners that have materials on communication, in this case it may be related to "value" as well, as even though when Xu is open it produces output, Images it carries initially are of "value".

So I think this is more related to communication and expression then to anything else. We can learn that, there are great sources of it over the years. Would recommend reading on that. Some more accessible source could be Tony Robbins I think. He comes from background of other systems, but they can be risky to go too deep in, however his material is a lot nicer then most people interested in this topics realize.

[fengshuiartist]

You don't need approval from anyone , not even from your family or parents. Do good for yourself. Do what is better for your life.

Monks won't criticize her because she's the customer. No practitioner will criticize the person that pays for the service.

Personality can change as it's patterns of one's thinking ,feeling, and behavior. But the core character essence of person won't change. Change one's belief and it will affect one's thoughts, feelings and behavior.   

Go study NLP which is basically what tony robbins does (suggested by gmuli) if you want to learn how to change one's behaviors, feelings and thinking.  He just don't use the nlp terminology. Right now, from what you tell us, You've been hypnotized by your negative parents , hence, why negative mindset.   

Basically , i see communication issues or relating issues.  That's usually the case when it involve others.

[camomile]

I think its just the way your chart works(i checked the other topics).
Xu(what is inside you) and Chou(representing your mother as earthly branch in that pillar) are in punishment, she has Officer on top as well, so her Images fit. The problem is that Yin and Chou make "hidden combination", and Yin shows people in the outside world.

Basically, she combines with people in the outside world and that weakens you. Although that same people may align with you if the situation was different.

Here this is stronger, because her branch is open, most of the time(although partially closed in this 10 years),so from all this there is a lot of "Officer"(authority/control) that comes out of her when you interact at times. While a lot of "expression" from you, as Xu is open as well and that is what is inside you + your output .

Overall, seems exactly what you described, but there aren't connotations of "good" or "bad". Its just a dynamic you and everyone else is suppose to experience and learn from. You can change it, but I'm not sure it isn't early for that.

Basically, people around(far away) will have tendency to align with her, she will "produce" authority and control and will have problems with you and your way of communication, all revolving around "value", so far its how the chart works
Not your fault, nor her fault either, its just what is played out in this lifetime. Observe it, see how it works, find a way to lessen it or negate it if possible, if communication is the problem there are many ways to communicate in different way. Can check authors and practitioners that have materials on communication, in this case it may be related to "value" as well, as even though when Xu is open it produces output, Images it carries initially are of "value".

So I think this is more related to communication and expression then to anything else. We can learn that, there are great sources of it over the years. Would recommend reading on that. Some more accessible source could be Tony Robbins I think. He comes from background of other systems, but they can be risky to go too deep in, however his material is a lot nicer then most people interested in this topics realize.

Thank you @Gmuli for your answer. It is quite helpful. I will try and improve my communication and expression skills. I think I need to also find a way to control my emotions when speaking to my mother. Many thanks

[camomile]

You don't need approval from anyone , not even from your family or parents. Do good for yourself. Do what is better for your life.

Monks won't criticize her because she's the customer. No practitioner will criticize the person that pays for the service.

Personality can change as it's patterns of one's thinking ,feeling, and behavior. But the core character essence of person won't change. Change one's belief and it will affect one's thoughts, feelings and behavior.   

Go study NLP which is basically what tony robbins does (suggested by gmuli) if you want to learn how to change one's behaviors, feelings and thinking.  He just don't use the nlp terminology. Right now, from what you tell us, You've been hypnotized by your negative parents , hence, why negative mindset.   

Basically , i see communication issues or relating issues.  That's usually the case when it involve others.

Thank you @fengshuiartist, you have a good point. They wont crticise whoever is paying. I sometimes feel sad that even buddhist monks and masters are trying to make a business. I guess I have a clash between two belief system of superstition and actual spirituality. I will check out Tony Robinson and NLP. I have already tried practicing changing my mindset and doing positive affirmation etc. it is difficult and very hard especially when your emotions are so overwhelming.

[fengshuiartist]

It's not hard at all when you know the instruction and process of how the mind works which nlp teaches.

Just like bazi or feng shui, proper education makes it easy.

Do a nlp search on amazon and you get tons of book list with different flavors of presentation.  Lots to choose from. some good some not. =o)     'get the life you want ' by richard bandler is probably a good start. He's the co-creator of nlp system.

Ellipsis manual by chase hughes is a good one for behavior /influence learning so that you see behind people's mask using body language and their beliefs. It's a little bit of everything in many fields of communication.

[curlymurly]

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[j27945]

Hi everyone,

I dont know if this is the right place to ask my question and I apologise beforehand if the content is not correct / and long but I have no idea where to ask for advise.

I am overseas born Chinese. So I am not really Chinese and not really European either, sort of like a banana if you are familiar with this term.
All my life I have been struggling with my identiy and the way my strict parents been raising us (quiet common problem with overseas chinese children) Not only strictness but very much raised in a buddhist family. You know the sort of buddhist culture that is all about how to please other people and be a good person and anything selfish is a sin. All my life I have not been given love and affection, only criticism, punishment, verbal abuse etc you might call in western society.
Now I am 34 and my mother still manage to make me cry due to her lack of affection and display of love. I understand later in life that its normal for Chinese parents to criticise you and disapprove you of love because they want you to constantly become a better person (stupid deeply rooted confucian mentality)I went through serious deperssion and mental illness due to my childhood but have done alot of self development/medication to have turned myself to a complete new person. Now I am medication free, and drug free, happier and healthier.

However my mother still criticises me and keeps telling me that I have a bad temper and that I am stubborn and would never listen to her. She does not want me to explain / justify myself whenever I disagree with her and she wants me to just keep quiet and agree.
She had a consultation with a monk/master in Malaysia the other day who was able to read our fortunes/personality and what steps to follow in order to improve our lives. The monk told my mom that even though her daugther is clever, she has a bad temper and would not listen to my mother... That is her personality and that she was stubborn(she is right but I have changed alot). And the monk kept telling my mother bad attributes about my brother and my father. So my mother told me all this how much burden my mother has to carry all her life because of my dad, me and my brother and how shit we are and how much she suffers. I got obviously upset and tried to justfiy myself which unfortunately proves her point. The monk never criticise my mother however. I am not saying that to be superstitious, but she has consultation with many monks (they were quite accurate with their readings) and they say exactly the same things. Always critics on us but never on my mother. And my mother is not lieing. I cried because I am never good enough for the monk or for my mother even though I tried my best to be a good daugther and a good person in general.

My questions is: Why do buddhist monk only point out negative attributes about us, and are they right? Even though I have already changed alot? Is that a confucian mentality or a buddhist thing? The monk said I should listen to my mother but mother is not always right. And I thought buddhist do not believe in egos.
And why do monks/masters never point out fault in my mother? I asked her whether they said anything about her, she said no.

Is personality fixed and cannot be changed despite how much you have worked on yourself? How does this relate to bazi? Can you see in your bazi chart that the person is able to change her bad attributes or is it fixed?

How can I not let my deep rooted issues with my mother affect my emotions? I am already practicing meditation, read alot of spiritual self development books, trying to believe there is no such thing as ego and having to let it all go. But I always get upset when I speak to my mother. But when a buddhist monk says something like this, I get upset because they dont point out how much I have changed for the better and it is not always true. I think im truly upset because my mother suffers alot because of us and no matter how much I have tried to better myself, she is still not happy with me. It upsets me because she should not have given birth to us and she should have married better and given birth to better children with better DNA...This is unfortunately how i felt since I was a toddler. Im 34 still seeking my mothers approval and love and I know I will never get it. I cannot get rid of this feeling of being not good enough/not loved and valued and my entire family is bringing me down. They are all unhappy which makes me sad. I know they love me but knowing is not feeling.

How do I deal with this deep rooted issue? Should I try my best to improve my "bad temper" (which i only have around my family) but how should I just agree with her without getting emotionally so upset? Im a grown woman and so far been doing alright with my life. I have already tried to keep distant from her, but she is old and I cannot ignore her or keep even further distance.

Any advise? Sorry I am just upset and I have no idea which forum to turn to and there is no one I can speak to who can relate. I hope someone can share their opinions with me.

Thank you for listening/reading

I think it would be useful to you when you are able to discern and identify the accuser. Maybe this will provide you with a different perspective. Prayer is useful so that you can create a layer of protective light around yourself as a defense against the accuser.

https://teachinghumblehearts.com/en/category/Christianity/renew/discern-satans-schemes/

[TaiYin]

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[camomile]

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[TaiYin]

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[yomama]

As the other poster said, the monk tells your mother what she wants to hear because she's the customer. If he's a fake monk, he would be happy to do this. I think yo mama's t o x i c.

[antiserif]

Many fortunetellers may tell their clients just what they want to hear, to have them come back and thereby grooming them to be "good recurring customers".

If parents, or cultural authorities like monks, priests, teachers, media etc. are "always right", you cant do shit right ever and it is not about you.
If those external authorities are "always right" in deciding or decreeing on what you are to the point of judging or even sentencing you, you can never find out who you are yourself, because somebody else decides for you and you have no say in it. Where is the love in that?

Good thing is you are 34 now. Question is, are you economically self supporting? If not, you have very little options other than going along with what is presented to you. I am NOT saying to break away from your family or spiritual community. A good relationship with parents is very important, but it can hardly be forced. Yet once you are economically self dependent, you can choose your own psychological or spiritual council, because you, just like anybody else, have the legal right to it and you DO have the right to help yourself. You also like anybody elsse have the right to be happy. If you cannot help yourself, how can you help others. If you are not happy with yourself, how can you help the happiness of others. There are so many different authority types around the world these days, and if you are in a "banana" situation, you already are in a confused situation. In that situation, neither you nor your parents seem to be happy. And the religious "help" so far doesnt seem to have helped the situation much so far.

A first step maybe to start a personal private journal exclusively by and for yourself and note down your daily thoughts and expiriences. Establish a space just for your own self.